even my farts smell like vagina
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
