You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize