I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
