apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm both gender and math confused
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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