Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
