I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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