Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
