i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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