i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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