Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
