Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
