I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
