He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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