i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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