I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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