I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
