Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
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