So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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