i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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