So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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