I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
