You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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