david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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