Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
