Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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