do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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