did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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