remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The air was thick with penises
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize