Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
