My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
