I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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