She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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