I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize