Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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