some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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