best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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