Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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