Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
