Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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