I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
