Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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