Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
