you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
