She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
