How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
