when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize