Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
