The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
A bitchslap is in order.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
