I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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