hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
