Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
