i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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