so explain again why im purple
no
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize