so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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