I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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