I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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