if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
