There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
It's Friday. Sex?
I met the friendliest cop last night
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
