somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
