I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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