he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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